I'm not a genuine "cripple" as such. Although, completely politically incorrect, I have no use of my left ankle due to surgery (perinatal tendon sub-luxation) following a fall down a double kerb (!?) tipsy (DRUNK......) TWO years ago. This has therefore led to me being on crutches for at least 6 weeks. JOY!
I kind of want to start with "So here's what we've missed so far..."
SO the day before surgery, I fell over in the shower, pulling the curtain down and landing straight on my arse. My fear of being discovered NAKED in the shower becoming closer to reality. I dreaded to think what would become of me with just one good leg.
One thing that was immediately established was that people (due to my stubborn independence and non reliance) struggle with me not being able to complete simple everyday tasks. No matter how strong willed the I may be - I can ALWAYS do with a little help from my friends - even if its just a piece of choc or something! DON'T BE SO AFRAID!
I often call the following happen stances my 'Miranda Moments' (After Miranda Hart, my doppleganger in height and ridiculousness)
After my surgery, and finally braving the outdoors (Stratford slash east London) these episodes arose:
- Not being able to get to the bus stop without panting like I'm going to die of a heart attack and sweating like a beast! Then having to wait patiently, too close for comfort behind the fellow 'bus wankers' before they realised that I'm waiting for them to move out of my way so I can sit on the bench.
- Being told by my lovely doctor, that my multicolour SOCKS would entertain his daughter - who I hope is still a toddler, whilst trying to remember all the IMPORTANT questions I have to ask him and subsequently forgetting as I enquire about said daughter. Well done me!
- Spraying my face with a water fountain for the whole waiting room to see...whilst onlookers wait for the social signals to be able to laugh "with" me rather than "at" as I finally crack a smile after the initial REFRESHING shock.
- Breaking my toe (on my good foot) by slamming in to my crutch mid swing, with all my body weight behind it. And then dropping a litre bottle of water on it, whilst convinced I could carry it in a hand, mostly taken up with the handle of a crutch.
- Wearing out one of the best (and most comfortable) pairs trousers I have; on the knees and bum. I've banned myself from using them, as they are the only respectable pair I have.
- Falling flat on my tiled kitchen floor, using only my knee (of my good leg) as a 'prevention' to breaking my face. Meaning I can no longer use the mode of transport - crawling- for going from the top of the stairs to my bathroom and bedroom. I've regressed to using my bum.
- Being peer-pressured by STRATFORD YOUTHS after alighting the night bus, around 2am, into signing my cast after they assured me the wouldn't draw penises or tags: "nah miss, I'll write something nice". As I don't understand the concept of lying, I obliged, and ended up with; "UR sexi xx". Can't complain!!
One thing that I have discovered after a month of being a cripple, is a new found assertiveness when getting onto a bus. For example, demanding that the driver not move until I've got a seat, after he closed the doors behind me, because "I've only got one leg!". Another asking in a very CLEAR LOUD VOICE to the people pointedly looking at their phones "can I please have a seat pleasethankyouverymuchly". I enjoy the new found power of the right to a seat. Finally!!
Massive appreciation for those in a more permanent situation than mine!!
Let's see what can happen in the next two weeks of non-weight bearing...
C xxx
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